my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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