I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
