I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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