OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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