my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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