Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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