i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
