Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
