I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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