I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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