I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
