I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
