seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
