Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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