Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
