Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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