Have you finally orgasmed yet?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
