NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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