the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
