When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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