i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
