its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
