Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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