I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize