I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
