Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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