did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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