Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
