i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
