mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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