god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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