got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
