got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You pole danced in your parka.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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