My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
