Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
