So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
