There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
