We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
