I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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