Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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