It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
