Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
is wine microwaveable?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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