Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize