how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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