apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
