this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
