I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
