Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
