shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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