Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
