Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
