I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
