someone get that fucking seahorse.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
