Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This toilet bowl is my home.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
