Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
