My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize