hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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