if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He called his prostate his "boner button".
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You were trust falling into bushes
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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