I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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