mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
