over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize