Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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