I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
