you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize